This City’s Gonna Break My Heart💔
WHY, I honestly hate Washington State… I’ve come to realize I’m most unhappy here, that most of my heart break and pain come from this State! Being anywhere in this state reminds me of all the traumatic events in my life from being 10years of age till now 31years of age, reminds me of the people who hurt me, being abused physically/mentally/verbally & emotionally. Losing myself in the process, I had to lose everything important to me for me to have a clearer view on the reality of this hell we live in….. That constant reminder everyday of nothing but back to back shit hitting you left and right and not having even a split second to breath! It’s just all a constant one thing after another, because when Im starting to be happy, something or someone has to kill that and that someone is myself for letting it happen but mostly on those who done the cruelty over and over being comfortable hurting me! The people I’ve lost from death like both my bestfriends and close friends I grew up with along with one of the only father figures I had my adopted father. R.i.P to them. To being raped before I was even a teenager a young age & when I was 16 and getting pregnant having to leave out of state to have that pregnancy from being raped by 3 guys when I was not even a teenager! Do you know how young i was!? I have a 18 yr old son that nobody knows about besides those I have confided in to trust with my whole life! all that one night three guys take me as I’m trying to run away I wasn’t fast enough they took me into their car and they each took turns on me right behind the old Waffle House 105th by aurora in the ally of Whitman Ave. Across from ampm I remember it as it’s what started the road to unfortunate events…. they held me down and tied me up by the third guy I just couldn’t cry anymore or try to get out of it because I knew I couldn’t I laid their looking at the top hood of the car until they were done with me….. they then let me put my clothes on and let me out the car and drove off…. I couldn’t move my body was frozen I laid in that ally crying asking god why why me??? when I was not even a teenager yet hiding to the world that I was pregnant having to hold that Inside and not being able to tell anyone the trauma that caused me growing up and giving me ptsd and other disorders making me the way I am today all sorts of fucked up and broken. Having a child who you can’t tell that your their mother having to hate yourself everyday because you couldn’t take care of a kid at 12 years old? I am proud of my son he is amazing and just doing well got promoted at work and a raise and a new car! He is good he is really good if I kept him you know he wouldn’t have a good life he wouldn’t! But It hurts me everyday! To never being able to tell him I am his mom! Being beat & abused for half my life by men I thought loved me…. I was lied to, used & cheated on! To recently having spine issues needing surgery, having cancer, having tumors & dying 3 times in the hospital and being brought back to life losing my memory & being so antisocial unable to go out anywhere loud no clubs no bars! No parties! 2 years I been good off alcohol and a year off any kind of substance as cocían/weed/smoking cigarettes…… Being bullied at a young age and then friends who really made me feel alone in this world because when I really needed them they all turned their backs on me or just made me feel stupid for saying anything! & having mental illnesses, my son dying inside me in 2017 & my daughter being held in Mexico and not seeing her for coming on 3 in half years because of her father! The amount of hurt and betrayal by even my own family really killed me inside it hurts I’m hurting. I just don’t understand why me? All this time I’ve wasted on being sad, sick, hurt & broken and not enough time to live a peaceful happy life! Time has changed me into someone I don’t even recognize anymore. The dreadful nights I spend unable to sleep, because my minds always on a constant fight with my heart always on constant pain, wishing I wasn’t in my own head! Crying trying to figure out and make sense of what I did to deserve the kind of hurt from the people I love has caused me, to cause me such a pain by treating me as if I’m nothing.You know I used to be proud of having the heart that I have, but now I wish I didn’t! I feel so strongly about my emotions and about things that I disappoint my own self my own heart. I guess I’m so used to all this shit all my life that it’s become a habit for me to have in my life. I never can seem to heal properly because people won’t let me! Constantly weighing me down, knowing how much I care about them they start getting into the habit on that they do to me. Not seeing how badly they have destroyed me…As I’m not finally blogging I feel a sense of freedom no judgments and being able to express myself without having to worry about what goes around from snake infested tongues that go around and around with the she said he said bullshit instead of being an adult and asking me first
To be continued…..