This City’s Gonna Break My Heart💔

Seattle Washington

WHY, I honestly hate Washington State… I’ve come to realize I’m most unhappy here, that most of my heart break and pain come from this State! Being anywhere in this state reminds me of all the traumatic events in my life from being 10years of age till now 31years of age, reminds me of the people who hurt me, being abused physically/mentally/verbally & emotionally. Losing myself in the process, I had to lose everything important to me for me to have a clearer view on the reality of this hell we live in….. That constant reminder everyday of nothing but back to back shit hitting you left and right and not having even a split second to breath! It’s just all a constant one thing after another, because when Im starting to be happy, something or someone has to kill that and that someone is myself for letting it happen but mostly on those who done the cruelty over and over being comfortable hurting me! The people I’ve lost from death like both my bestfriends and close friends I grew up with along with one of the only father figures I had my adopted father. R.i.P to them. To being raped before I was even a teenager a young age & when I was 16 and getting pregnant having to leave out of state to have that pregnancy from being raped by 3 guys when I was not even a teenager! Do you know how young i was!? I have a 18 yr old son that nobody knows about besides those I have confided in to trust with my whole life! all that one night three guys take me as I’m trying to run away I wasn’t fast enough they took me into their car and they each took turns on me right behind the old Waffle House 105th by aurora in the ally of Whitman Ave. Across from ampm I remember it as it’s what started the road to unfortunate events…. they held me down and tied me up by the third guy I just couldn’t cry anymore or try to get out of it because I knew I couldn’t I laid their looking at the top hood of the car until they were done with me….. they then let me put my clothes on and let me out the car and drove off…. I couldn’t move my body was frozen I laid in that ally crying asking god why why me??? when I was not even a teenager yet hiding to the world that I was pregnant having to hold that Inside and not being able to tell anyone the trauma that caused me growing up and giving me ptsd and other disorders making me the way I am today all sorts of fucked up and broken. Having a child who you can’t tell that your their mother having to hate yourself everyday because you couldn’t take care of a kid at 12 years old? I am proud of my son he is amazing and just doing well got promoted at work and a raise and a new car! He is good he is really good if I kept him you know he wouldn’t have a good life he wouldn’t! But It hurts me everyday! To never being able to tell him I am his mom! Being beat & abused for half my life by men I thought loved me…. I was lied to, used & cheated on! To recently having spine issues needing surgery, having cancer, having tumors & dying 3 times in the hospital and being brought back to life losing my memory & being so antisocial unable to go out anywhere loud no clubs no bars! No parties! 2 years I been good off alcohol and a year off any kind of substance as cocían/weed/smoking cigarettes…… Being bullied at a young age and then friends who really made me feel alone in this world because when I really needed them they all turned their backs on me or just made me feel stupid for saying anything! & having mental illnesses, my son dying inside me in 2017 & my daughter being held in Mexico and not seeing her for coming on 3 in half years because of her father! The amount of hurt and betrayal by even my own family really killed me inside it hurts I’m hurting. I just don’t understand why me? All this time I’ve wasted on being sad, sick, hurt & broken and not enough time to live a peaceful happy life! Time has changed me into someone I don’t even recognize anymore. The dreadful nights I spend unable to sleep, because my minds always on a constant fight with my heart always on constant pain, wishing I wasn’t in my own head! Crying trying to figure out and make sense of what I did to deserve the kind of hurt from the people I love has caused me, to cause me such a pain by treating me as if I’m nothing.You know I used to be proud of having the heart that I have, but now I wish I didn’t! I feel so strongly about my emotions and about things that I disappoint my own self my own heart. I guess I’m so used to all this shit all my life that it’s become a habit for me to have in my life. I never can seem to heal properly because people won’t let me! Constantly weighing me down, knowing how much I care about them they start getting into the habit on that they do to me. Not seeing how badly they have destroyed me…As I’m not finally blogging I feel a sense of freedom no judgments and being able to express myself without having to worry about what goes around from snake infested tongues that go around and around with the she said he said bullshit instead of being an adult and asking me first

To be continued…..


Mariana B. Resendiz Galvan👩‍👧

Eres Todo En Mi, Mi mundo, Mi Corazón❤️
#MiniMe #Twin #MySeed #Daughter

This months going to be a really hard & emotional month for me due to my daughter turning 12 and not being able to be with her for it💔but that will be for another post. To My daughter, I never knew what living was, Until the day I was chosen to be your mother & on July 24th 2008 1:30 a.m you were born that’s when my life finally had a purpose & a meaning to what felt like wasted days of being in this place I call hell. It was because of you my life had became so much more brighter on all the darkness inside of me. You made my life more beautiful to all the ugliness that had invaded inside me. You are my true Happiness, Im so proud to be your mother & nobody can take that away from us, especially me! Remember it’s us against the world mi hija, I love you so much don’t ever forget that. I would do anything in my life to make sure that you are happy & have everything that you need. I would give anything to have you in my arms, you being away to long and in another country has been killing me deep down… If only people knew what really happen, they wouldn’t see me as some girl who sent her kid away, I’d never fucking do that ever! You were the reason I woke up everyday worked hard for everyday took care of and just having you in my life gave me a peace. One day baby we will be reunited and I promise I’ll never let you go❣️#daughter #blessing #iloveyou #neverforget #myworld #theloveofmylife #micorazon #oldpicture #preciousmoments #myhappyplace #myseed #mixedbabies #mexican #filipino #spaniard #usagainstheworld #princess #queeninthemaking #chaparita #missingyou #saturday #mividaloca #momentslikethese

❤️I’ve Loved You Since Forever❤️

My goodness this sexy ass man so scrumptious my mouths watering hahahaa I gots me a fine piece of vanilla dipped in sauce why is my man so damn fucking handsome!?!? B.J.W.K i LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!
I’m so lucky thanks for all you do & try to do! Thank you for being patient with my moody days the good and the bad days. I know things have been rough and life’s been crazy but I am thankful that your back in my life after so many years apart! I’ll love you for the rest of my life you and those three beautiful lil girls you brought into the world! Babe I appreciate you!

The blessing that comes with patience becomes a life time of moments worth living🙏

‘Song I dedicated to the love of my life, here is Myself & my friend Dense singing MusiqSoulChild-Beautiful’

My Babes & Babies😍❤️💯
I havnt posted much about my personal life but here it is! How beautiful it turned out to be after a great heart break the love of my life and his daughters saved mine!
For me I believe in things happen for a reason! I’ve learned never to question why things happen and to just be great full & let it be unsaid & to keep moving forward and live life! I never want to be stuck all my life questioning and wondering why things happen and why the bad things happen to the good people but after all my heart ache the love of my life (middleschool/high school) sweetheart came back into my life and in good time too because I havnt been okay I’ve been broken beaten and left lost by those who didn’t cherish me. I am so much happier & I am so thankful god brought not only you but your babies into my life! I wouldn’t change a thing about it! Your babies are now my babies and I’ll treat them as they are mine! I am happy we are back in each other’s lives and that I get to be part of your little family along with my daughter! 4 kids is a lot but not for me! I want a football team even tho that won’t happen but maybe one more along the line hahaha if I can ever have babies & I don’t die before then. I love you so much B.K you & these babies are my life now! Thank you for loving my crazy ass! Haha #finally #loveofmylife
❤️ #myfamily #mygrowingfamily #inlove #mylife #blessed #beautifulmoments #children #husband #patience #truelove #mybeautifulfamily have

There Is Always That “FiNALLY” You Deserve A Beautiful Moment That Gives Your Life Another Chance Of Hope💯🙌🏽🙏👌🏽❤️


~Pay Close Attention~


Some friends don’t understand this. They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are. They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me anymore. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart in front of them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would. That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as they see the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily. That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful. I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible… At heart, I have always been a coper, I’ve mostly been able to walk around with my wounds safely hidden, and I’ve always stored up my deep depressive episodes for the weeks off when there was time to have an abbreviated version of a complete breakdown. But in the end, I’d be able to get up and on with it, I have always been able to do what little must be done to get by. Some catastrophic moments invite clarity, explode in split moments: You smash your hand through a windowpane and then there is blood and shattered glass stained with red all over the place; you fall out a window and break some bones and scrape some skin. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day — wham! — there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won’t even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live. In my case, Im not frightened in the least bit at the thought that I might live because I’ve been certain, quite certain, that Im already dead. The actual dying part, the withering away of my physical body, is a mere formality. My spirit, my emotional being, whatever you want to call all that inner turmoil that has nothing to do with physical existence, is long gone, dead and gone, and only a mass of the most fucking god-awful excruciating pain like a pair of boiling hot tongs clamped tight around my spine and pressing on all my nerves has been left in its wake. That’s the thing I want to make clear about my depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. Sure, In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal — unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead and the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how they got there, to pin down the turning point, they’ll never know. Gradually and then suddenly, has been how this whole experience has been. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, i’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. my life has been one long longing. Madness is too glamorous a term to convey what happens to most people who are losing their minds. That word is too exciting, too literary, too interesting in its connotations, to convey the boredom, the slowness, the dreariness, the dampness of depression…depression is pure dullness, straight up. Depression is, especially these days, an overused term to be sure, but never one associated with anything wild, anything about dancing all night with a lampshade on your head and then going home and killing yourself…The word madness allows its users to celebrate the pain of its sufferers, to forget that underneath all the acting-out and quests for fabulousness and funny snapchats, there is a person in huge amounts of dull, ugly agony…Remember that when you’re at the point at which you’re doing something as desperate and violent as sticking your head in an oven, it is only because the life that preceded this act felt even worse. Think about living in depression from moment to moment, and know it is not worth any of the great art that comes as its by-product. I mean, if you were to find a shattered mirror, find all the pieces, all the shards and all the tiny chips, and have whatever skill and patience it took to put all that broken glass back together so that it was complete once again, the restored mirror would still be spiderwebbed with cracks, it would still be a useless glued version of its former self, which could show only fragmented reflections of anyone looking into it. Some things are beyond repair. And that is me. Sometimes, I get so consumed by my depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn’t stop and suffer with me. I know for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this is what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very boring…Rock Bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable…Rock bottom is feeling that the only thing that matters in all of life is the one bad moment…Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It’s a failure of vision, a failure to see the world how it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not some other way. The shortness of life, I keep saying, makes everything seem pointless when I think about the longness of death. Most of you just probably read and think oh this girl is fucking sick or she’s crazy but in the end it’s me telling everyone how I am feeling and disregarding any of it what I say. I live day by day disappointing myself that there are people I care about or have learned to care for that it’s just not even remotely true….. NOBODY gives a fuck about what would happen even if I’m crying out for help and so badly try and make people see this shit. I won’t ever have that kind of freedom. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up! I know that I’ll be free from all this thinking and longing for a certain kind of relationship I have with others and within myself. I’m unhappy and will never be happy the way I used to be life has took so much out of me that in the end nothing can fix this person I am. Nothing I say or put thought into will ever change how I am no matter what I do I’ll always be left to feel this way and nobody seems to fucking understand that! This isn’t something that just fucking goes away it’s something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Along with other issues I have mentally. I hate when people tell me that shits going to be alright because it’s not going to be alright I don’t need you to tell me it’s going to be alright because it’s not going to be okay for me…… it’s been like this for years and it has gotten worse to the point i really don’t want to be alive. All anyone does it judge me for shit they fucking don’t even know about. The thing with me is if I see how people are with me and how they react and then try and speak words of bullshit to me I start fading away even more from all the disappointment that they put upon their selves. Anyways I guess it is what it is but don’t fucking sit there at my funeral and act like you give a shit or that you missed me and wish there was something you could do for me and that you care and loved me cuz at the end of the day everyone spread the process of me wanting to fucking get the hell out of the living world and want to die faster! It’s tiring to have to deal with this kind of bullshit every fucking day. Parts of me just doesn’t want it anymore and there is nothing left for me to saygg! Because having to explain myself is not necessary but I have to feel the need to because at the end of the day I know all of you fucks will fucking feel that shit.


⚜️• S h a r p ~ E d g e s •⚜️


These sharp edges are like some kind of drug, so fucking addicting!

I’m just like a fiend for it, feeling pretty disgusting!

Starting to become a daily routine, like a bad habit.

No matter how bad I try to resist, it pulls me back in like a magnet.

Such a freedom yet so sickening & out of control.

How good it feels, When my worlds gone dark & cold.

A perfect distraction, forgetting the reality of my fucked up life!

These sharp edges has been my only real friend, that never feeds me lies.

Such a high it gives me from each slit.

Loving the adrenaline rush that comes from it.

Doesn’t even hurt, it never really has!

Sharp edges is the only thing closes to healing & happiness I’ve ever really had.

Cost nothing a free addiction, thoughts of my twisted mind.

Easy to hide, never hard to find.

Feelings of nothingness as I’m destroying myself!

Such a waste, I have no shame.

Filled with complete numbness & no longer sane.

A red river flowing, connecting like lines of art.

For my wrist & thighs become my canvas, my heart becomes the blade I hold as it’s my paintbrush.

Those pretty strokes across my open flesh.

Sharp edges how you release the hurt from within me.

Tears rolling down my eyes, like I’m finally breathing for the first time.

Hiding the evidence, an unsolved crime.

Site of blood dripping everywhere, oh those loneliest moments cut like a knife.

A story it tell, Such a fucking beautiful disaster.

Oh the beauty of my master piece, made from a broken pieces.

Just look at the pain in the canvas, where I wear all of my scars.

Only those who speak the language of silence will know that what is a reflection of a wounded heart.

Sharp edges, such a toxic relationship we have become!


•The voice for the silenced•


This is maybe one of the most visual & outspoken poems I’ve ever wrote that is very personal & sentimental pieces I’ve wrote & sharing for the first time. It means a great deal to me! Some may not understand & Although you might shake your head or maybe think some kind of way, know all of this comes from my heart as I wrote this poem for many that I know can relate to this. Without any outlet they become Anonymous in blogs & stuff that are self harming because of being judged & or made fun of. Well your not alone! I want to have messages be heard but for those who don’t speak or those who are sworn of silence then I shall become your voice.

I just wanted to thank some of you who have let me be more open to certain things I’ve wrote! It is my outlet & it takes a lot off my chest. Thank you for supporting my writing along with giving me amazing feed back and heart warming genuine advices. I am very much appreciated for all the positive things I’ve gotten since I have started my blog! Thank you again! 🙏

I have always been in the center of views & had no where to look!

I have people telling me I’m their light when their in their darkest moments , but how? I don’t understand!? I’m just a nobody! That just have a lot of thoughts & speak of things I believe in & have experienced… I’m a fuck up & at times I don’t even make sense… how could I be someone’s light when All I have been was a broken down wreck?!

I have no idea what kind of influence I actually have on people or to what degree I’ve actually affected decisions people have made & the way they think about things…. I just want to be a positive force I can become, because I know how absolutely crucial that is! I’m trying really hard to keep my composure & my sanity! I am trying to be some what of an inspiration & hope that people might need! I’m doing a terrible job at it! Because who am I? What am I to anyone? So I just want to say I’m sorry if I ever let you down, when I’m doing the best I can to lift you & others up while I’m falling apart! All I’m asking is to let me breath, give me a break! People tell me I’m a mountain for so many & I take on everything for everyone that I forget to take care of my needs & forgetting my own happiness & forgetting to love myself. Some don’t notice but I like to help others going through a tough time because of what I have been through! I’ve been brought down so many times and the only way I feel lifted up is by lifting others up! The thing is I don’t know how to not be that crutch that people I care about need! Because when I was down and out I honestly wish there was someone like me right there by my side at those dreadful moments! How hard it was to not have anyone to turn to just to listen and let me talk someone who didn’t judge me or use anything I said against me! Someone who reminded me everyday that I was being heard and seen someone who just simply genuinely cared with even nothing but a heart a real one that is what I want to be for others! It’s a rough having to go through traumatic situations and not having anyone to turn to! Like no matter how bad someone hurt me I try to understand I try to believe in the good in people! I can’t give up on them! But that’s just me I grew up that way! My loyalty & my heart gets the best of me! That’s why I always say my heart is the death of me! I care way to much! It’s a good & a bad thing for me! But no matter how poorly ppl treat me, I couldn’t ever let that change my heart or my beliefs & that’s one characteristic of mine that will never change!

I will always be that person who would give her last breath for those most important to me! No matter if we talking or not! Once you enter my heart there will always be a part of you in it! If you need me I’ll be there, with no hesitation, with no questions asked. If you need me I will be there even if I have nothing to offer but my presence & my heart! I grew up learning if one of us fall we all fall! In life the people who in it we sposs to be the clutch to all there ups and downs not just for their ups! Remember money bring you people you want! But the struggle being you people you need!

I never want to be remembered as the fucked up girl who did people wrong or hurt people! I could never cause anyone the kind of pain people have caused me! I couldn’t live with myself! In the end I won’t have that kind of burden on me because I know that I didn’t do them wrong! Many May speak bad about me but did you ever stop to think maybe they just hate me because I know who they truly are, or maybe they hurt me and their mad that I cut them off? No one ever seems to stop & think before judging because of he said she said bullshit! If you don’t know me by know then maybe your not understanding who I am as a person I’ve always showed my flaws right when you meet me! Because I’ve always learned from growing up is that if you want real love people must love you for all that you are the good and the bad! The weird & being different! Some people just lose sight on that! The world has been fucked!

This doesn’t mean I think my pain is worse than anyone else’s pain! Because I’ll stop thinking about me when someone I love is hurting, I’ll do anything to fix that pain! I’ll put my own shit aside! Because no one should have to feel alone or go through shit alone!


The only thing is what about me? I am everyone’s crutch but where is mine? The people I needed the most turn their backs on me! Or they used me and never ever even gave a shit in the first place! And that’s my rant!

💯Words of the Wise💯

Quotes & Life learned lessons of people that have crossed paths with me bringing so much knowledge of brighter & clearer Vison in my years of living mad respect to those who have shared with me in ways I can’t put in words but “thank you”


“Look With Your Heart Not Your Eyes”

No response is a response and its a powerful one remember that

“Before you heal someone, ask him if he’s willing to give up the things that made him sick.”

The sea can’t hurt me I’ve been drowning all my life

Online Findings

“When you find no solution to a problem, The movie is not problem problem to be solved, but rather to be a truth to be accepted”

Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it, not as a reflection of their character but a reflection of yours

Don’t waste your time with exclamation people only hear what they wanna hear

Never be a prisoner of your past, It was just a lesson in a life sentence

If the flowers in bloom you fix his environment which it grows, not the flower!

Other people’s opinion of you doesn’t have to become your reality.

Les Brown

•4 a.m. Another Sleepless Night•

~Inside My Eyes~

Have you tried to look into my eyes? Then you could see right through me. You would see the empty parts of me where darkness made a home. Chained along with all of my pain, my hurt, my sadness, my anger & my fears. Where I hide bottled up inside. But it’s what I just keep running away from. Trying so hard to keep my emotions buried away with it’s existence, pretending they don’t even exist. Even if it’s cutting me from inside, making it harder for me to keep in.

When you look me in the eyes, I look away for anyone to see the fight I fight to hold my tears back when I’m asked “ how are you doing, are you okay”. I’ll start joking around as I laugh so falsely to get you to look away or change subjects. While inside I’m in complete torture trying my best not to breakdown and fall to my knees. Screaming, “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep living this way! I don’t want to live anymore, I won’t have to feel this way again”. Instead I lie, smile & reply with Im doing just fine as I try not to let my voice crack & tears run down my eyes! Because there’s nothing anyone can say or do that will save me. If you looked into my eyes, you’d see my soul trapped in a prison trying to break free.. but you see I don’t know that kind of freedom anymore! That girl inside me has become invisible, I don’t seem to really know if her anymore. All she does is rattle my brain stabbing it with memories and thoughts that make me hate her. She’s dead to me!

If you looked into my eyes you would see a shell full of shattered pieces breaking as it cuts my eyes making it harder for me to see the light. As darkness uses my body to stay alive in, Im losing my very own existence. I don’t even know who I am anymore! If you looked into my eyes you would see im dead inside.


Have you ever got that feeling when your all alone your thoughts start to stab at your mind freely wondering making it impossible to sleep!? Its this overwhelming emotions as the sadness from not being able to make it stop because you are tired from crying & your eyes hurt. But it all rushes through your body you start actually feeling the pain from your hurt physically as your unable to move, staring at the ceiling or the walls as your eyes are unable to shed another tear drop you end up crying inside because your mind keeps replaying memories that make you relive those heart aching moments over and over. But it’s not even because you want to think about it. It just comes when ever it wants to fucking you up inside! That’s me almost everyday! I just want it to stop! I want to stop hurting! Unable to stop the images flashing, feeling each emotion down your spine making you tense up. Trying to force yourself to forget makes it even worse and harder to do so…. so your caught fighting a battle with your own self, trying to lie to your mind that your okay, everything’s ok it will all be okay, but it isn’t! The truth is what it is. No one to call or talk to because people use shit against you or talk about you so trusting anyone with this shit is hard to even talk about if they have never been or experienced what I have. Stuck looking stupid so instead you stay stuck in silence which it fucks with your head so bad! You no longer can find any way out or any kind of peace, being it’s now become a habit. Being used to that kind of torture and pain is the only way your mind knows how to process leaving you broken and unable to heal! What people don’t understand is why?! If I could answer that I could but even I don’t understand! But I know it isn’t what I choose to do! I’ll always forever be that sad broken person. Who lost her way and it’s starting to become even more un motivating so you say fuck it my life’s already shitty what more can ask for but just to be fucking hurt !!! #makeitstop

🩸Bloody Temptation🩸

Closer to deaths doors. Cuts are deeper, as I bleed here in this dark world. I see my last breath escaping my lips, as I lay there lifeless. This black hole, portal to life & death flashes back and fourth through my eyes. Staring at the girl in the mirror, staring back at me, I know her well but she’s unfamiliar. Thinking to myself how much I hate her! That stupid girl gave my love away to the wrong people, that stupid girl destroyed me! All I see looking back at me is an empty fucking shell where darkness made a home. I know that’s me in there, it’s a face I wear everyday. Soul broken separated from my own body. Movement of time put on auto pilot, everyday goes by as night becomes day and day becomes night, where did the time go? Trying my hardest to keep moving forward but the road doesn’t stop, circles…. dizzy, spinning, searching, there seems to be no resting place. What have I become? Have I lost my existence? As like the sky existing with no clouds, night existing with no stars & sunset existing with no inspiration. Is my existence being ate away by these demons? As I force myself out of this fucking black hole to get back into my body, there i am looking over, blood surrounding me. Looking at my wounded body. Temptation starts with the sharpness on my thick skin. Stupid girl how much I hate you.

I don’t know how much more I can take….

I’m struggling, fighting myself from this urge of things I’d do to myself. I don’t think it’ll be much to long. I just can’t handle anything anymore. I can’t, do you guys know how much it takes for me to look at myself in the mirror telling myself to just hold on!?

~Night Wars~

My nights are a constant battle, brain waves, 3am chaos inside my head! Heart break & loneliness as I’m reaching no where, finding myself stranded. Pretending I’m alive when I’m nothing but dead. Tidal waves like a storm meeting the sea, my minds exhausted! Seeking for peace searching for me, losing myself within myself what is left? Blankly staring at these walls as if I might die tomorrow as my dried eyes still cry of sorrow. Not getting any better as everydays been so much more harder! My heart and my mind, I’m stuck in torture! Night mares refuse to sleep! I can’t believe I fell so deep! Fighting these night wars I can’t defeat!

💔My Heart Is The Death Of Me💔

I have to stop explaining myself to people! They will never understand me they only will ever understand from their level of perception. Being hurt is not a function of the physical pain that some have caused me, sometimes I’ll just be lying down, immobilized by the mental torture someone has inflicted on me! No matter how much I try to make them understand they won’t ever. The only person I have to learn to forgive is myself! That’s been a difficult process!


Constantly hurt, time & time again. Going through life walking in circles, with never ending pain. Death is the only way I won’t have to feel. Because being alive when my heart is already dead is harder then to deal. Hurt people hurt people & I’m stuck in between two!


💔My Home💔

My Papa Dog 🐶
Its been a hard thing to get over & let go of. When everything you knew was now something that became unknown. Cherish the people you love because you never know what will happen. Could never see them again, they could die or who knows but at the end of it all I wouldn’t regret the moments and memories that were created, I’ll forever have these two in my heart!

I still love him and ill always love him to be honest. It hurts me to have to live life without him in my life i have to learn to finally be okay but its been 9 months and im still not okay. Yes i miss him more then anything but i miss who he used to be, i dont even know who he is anymore maybe the man i fell in love with never existed but i know for a fact after everything i cant seem to actually hate him, i still really love him and its fucked up because loving him really killed me inside…. i also know i dont want to be in another relationship ever again ….never! I dont look at men in that way anymore i just dont want that i rather be alone then go through another heart break!!! I am searching for peace within myself i need to find a peace of mind and be free be able to breath because im still suffocating….. i gave him the last piece of what was left of my heart. Its gotten to a point that i really dont care to be in relationships and I started not caring for my own mental and physical well being. I just want to be okay. To be happy and be with my daughter and family! My home will always live within him that wont ever go away or be forgotten all the good and all the bad that came with it!, but i must move forward because he aint willing to make shit right with me in just even apologizing and actually mean it, i guess its all my fault as usual im always the one to blame welp its true i let shit happen and boom it became a habit and i kept letting him do what he do… so i do deserve what i accepted in my life…. but not this way not at all! So much i want to say to him but at the end of the day what I say to him, it dont matter… My words never ment shit, I never ment shit. It was all for nothing such a big waste of my time! I lost my home/my mind/my heart/ and myself. What hurts the most is I lost my bestfriend💔 I told him everything he was who I ran to he was who I’d stay up with learning and talking laughing with he was the person I went to sleep with and woke up with, when I was sick he would take care of me and even tho he fucking did some really shitty things and he destroyed me, even though he is no good for me, I miss him & I cant seem to Un-love him💔 Losing my friend that means more to me then anything. Hardest thing i ever had to do is grieve someone who is still alive💔

My PaPaDog (Brody)
As much as I miss his dad I miss him most! He was always with me he loved me and he always was comforting when he knew I was sad or having bad anxiety or just knew that I needed him he was there. Cuddling up next to me. He was not just another dog to me, he grew a special place inside my heart and became part of my home.


Every Fkn Day🩹I am…….

  • Frequently crying, sometimes for no reason.
    • Sensitive & overwhelmed very easily.
    • Hot headed, high blood, irritable & in-tempered.
    • Hard to focus & concentrate.
    • Unmotivated & no enjoyment in anything.
    • Sleepless nights, tired & exhausted.
    • Losing memory & forgetting things.
    • Procrastinating at its finest.
    • Anxious, hard to breath & heaviness in my chest.
    • Confused, trapped & lost.
    • Loss of appetite.
    • Dizzy spells, faint, headaches.
    • Unable to shut my brain off constant thoughts running through my head.
    • No sexual drive.
    • Wanting to be alone, isolation & don’t want to be around people
    • Un-important, useless , unloved & dead.
    • Nothing makes sense to me anymore
    • Depressed all the time, unhappy & un-noticed.
I don’t think there is anything that can save me from what has been done & what I have become.

~Broken Wings~

There is so much life in me, why am I barley living?

In Constant War With Myself


How broken am I? To the point I’m unable to heal my own self! How lost am I? To the point I can’t save my soul my heart because I’m now used to being broken! I can’t think of a time I was anything but… My life consist of being let down, disappointed, heartbreak, mis lead, nobody caring, lied to, never being anyone’s priority, alone & lonely. It’s like what even am I doing here!? What even is my purpose, why am I alive? No one would even notice if I was gone! Why can’t anyone ever mean what they say and say what they mean, to me! Im never good enough for anyone, my love never is enough nobody ever loves me back! No one ever is afraid to lose me! Everything people tell me are lies all fucking lies! How can you care and love me but hurt me! That isn’t love! Nothing but hurtful! I don’t deserve it, when I’ve done nothing but love people for who they are! I’ll never know that kind of feeling, to be that important to mean something to be loved. I am nothing!


•It can’t be took back•

Words can’t be taken away once its been said & done & absolutely nothing can heal the wounds which are hurted by words. Think before you speak! Words can hurt ,help or heal. There’s power in everything you say and write so be careful while using it. Yes, words have strong impact on people. We can forget the physical pain but we can’t forget the hurt caused by the words that are chosen. There is so much power in what you say or hear. So be careful while using the words you say to others.


•Todo Pasa•

Time never really heals the broken. Time teaches how to live without, the things that were never ours to keep. Who would have thought how much, Love would be the same thing To break us inside. Everything happens, that’s life. (En Español) El tiempo nunca cura lo rotor El tiempo enseña a vivir sin las Los cosas que nunca fueron nuestras para manter Quien hubiera pensado cuanto Amir sería los mismo para Rompernos por dentro Todo pasa, Es la vida


A Piece Of Me Died☠️

I have not healed from that im battling with. All i know is im trying my best. The day i can tell my story without feeling like i cant breath, when not feeling empty because i lost part of me & my heart along the way. I am currently so hard on myself because im to blame! I let my walls down believed in people that i trusted my life with….& the price i had to pay…letting my heart down once again! Ive realize along this road that I have nobody that i love and needed the most to help me. Not my parents not my family not my fake friends not the guy i fell in love with and along with not having my daughter. Is great pain i am holding on to and cant seem to let go because they are my heart and what am i without that? Im not sure why everyone lies to me. Why they make me believe that i am important that i matter that they love me…. because right now im not sure this is love i shouldnt be in pain hurting and feeling alone. I cant run to the ones that i used to tell everything to! Who where my everyday life! Im left to start with noone that i started with and now i dont even recognize myself, i am not myself & i dont know how or what to be!? I have no purpose anymore. No one to live for. No one meant what they told me…. that shit aint real love. All i can do now is pretend im alive when my hearts already dead… pretend im ok and smile and act like nothing has happen because thats all i can do because thats what they are doing….. i guess shits easier when you actually really dont care about someone…. so thank you for showing me that i am nothing i meant nothing and ill be nothing to any of you! Because that girl you knew is fucking gone! The one i am now. Well lets just say i dont even like me!! Im sorry i wasnt what any of you wanted me to be and im sorry i wasnt good enough to keep in any of your lives. Thats to my parents, my family, the dude i was fucking & those who said they were my friends! I hope nothing but good health and happiness for all of you. Because i dont hate you im not mad im just hurt and disappointed in what i had to deal with because the people i love turned their backs on me, lied & hurt me to the point im unable to function because of all these overwhelming emotions i cant seem to fucking control!

R.i.P to the person I used to be & will never see again.


⚜️This Is Me⚜️

Take me as I am or Stay the hell away from me💯

Many think I’m a certain way because I look a certain way if only you know how much most of you are wrong…… I’m an open book just ask, I have no shame in who I am as a person or what I believe or how I think. I am who I am like it or not. I don’t care… no matter what I say or do people will always talk.
I’m beyond super Odd but I am interesting in many ways.I’m Weird and clumsy but there is so much to learn about me… Different is good & being original is beauty. Even though I Feel deeply about everything I know I have a good heart. Although it’s been broken by so many people and things I choose to love, but I’ve grown to be less around ppl and being alone has become my favorite thing….its my escape from the real world. Music is peace to my mind, dancing is my freedom & art is my soul. What else can I ask for? I am not who I used to be I’ve changed in so many ways from what broke me. I’ll never be her but I’m trying to be okay and better so idgaf if you mad that I don’t always talk to you or I ignore you or we don’t kick it or we don’t talk anymore. It’s simple for me you don’t have to understand it but it isn’t your peace that I’m fixing. I’m fixing me and me only! In the process of it all, it’s been hard but I’m learning to live without people I love and learning about who I am now.


Can I fucking breath!!!

Here is how I can even remotely describe this.

At first you feel like it’s all your fault. Feeling nothing, numb, empty, all alone left to fall apart. Drowning in your own thoughts trying to fight a fight you didn’t ask for. My mind at a constant war with my heart.Then in time you will stop believe in your own self and you forget what it’s like to breath. You have been suffocating from a heaviness in your chest, and you have kept it to yourself with no outlet bottling everything up. Because your embarrassed you loved someone who had no intentions on loving you back.If only he knew that if he could see right through me he’d see that I’m 2%me and 98% filled with him. That he occupied all of that I am. May he know that the love he so selfishly shared is the water that I’ve entirely been drowning in. Time after time I’ve been so scared of what was ahead, I didn’t understand how I’d ever get through any of this fight I never asked for! I really wasn’t prepared for. I have been feeling like my world has ended and I can’t , I couldn’t stop it from happening.

How do you make it stop? It had me sink so deep in guilt that I accepted for this to happen to me. I have lost, now I’m lost. With all these emotions pushing through my body. Itll have you feeling terrified, overwhelmed, unsure, insecure, unwanted, unworthy , stupid, never good enough & alone. Asking myself over and over again how am I going to ever get through this shit? How could I let this shit happen how could he do this to me? After knowing all of the shit I was already going through I fucking trusted him, I fucking needed him! He really fucked me up, i barley sleep, I stay wide awake wondering why me? What did I do wrong? Why did I meet you? Why were you put into my life just to end up leaving me like everyone else.!? Why act like you cared and loved me when you had no intentions on staying in my life? How can you spend all that time with me just to leave & leave me broken? I know I make mistakes and I know not to get attached but I made that decision and got fucking way to attached! I don’t regret my mistake, but that mistake left me hurting, broken, emotions all at once & lost what the fuck am I sposs to do, how to feel or even say to something this heartbreaking?

Does he want me to apologize and say sorry? Sorry for hoping & catching feelings. Sorry for ever thinking he could love me! Sorry for thinking I was enough for him. I’m sorry I though that life was giving me a break & finally finding someone who understood me and loved me for being me! I am sorry for ever thinking that we could be more then what it really was. We were just two people who lived together, Who were intimate, slept in the same bed every night & waking up together every morning. I’m sorry that I cared for you more than I cared for my self. I’m sorry for falling for you! I’m sorry most of all for ever walking into your life and thinking I meant something to you! Losing not only what was my home within you but I lost my best friend. The one person I had to be safe and confided in. I’m sorry!

I guess it’s true when they tell you, “nothing last for ever & nothing is meant to be kept”

I fucking knew better! I guess love really does make you do things you would have never seen yourself doing, it makes you blinded & you give any excuse to keep that person in your life even when they have gave you a million reasons to walk away.! In the end I guess it was the price I had to pay for love, for loving him & holding on to him when he didn’t belong there in that deepest parts of me! I paid my sanity & my well being by putting it in his hands when he wasn’t even trying to keep it safe & help it heal from what I’ve been through all it was was more wasted time I’ll never get back more trauma & more hurt. Yet I still can’t find any part of me to hate him.

What did he do to me!? It’s been 9 months and here I am stuck. I don’t know that kind of freedom anymore! I’ve been slowly dying as my chest gets tighter and harder for me to breath! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME! Why am I destroying myself like this? Why haven’t I been able to let go? I keep it to myself because no one will understand there really is no description or words I can put together to explain my reasonings on why I love him still…. & it’s nobody’s business or right to tell me who to love and who to not! It’s not something I can turn off and on because if it isn’t real love then it would have been easy to just say fuck him!

I just want to breath! Why won’t he let me breath?

⚜️Ayah Elizabeth Marie Smith⚜️


Our loved ones could be taken away from us at any moment, time or day,with out words or goodbyes. Remember to treat the ones you love as if it’s your last day seeing them & to always be good to them, showing them that they are loved and to think before you say things that could be the last thing you say to them,before they are taken away

On January 9th,2017 changed my life it was one of the most biggest heart breaks of my life!!! There is nothing more then I want in this world then for this to happen to someone that meant the world to me, and so A part of me was token.

Now I’m lost.

She wasn’t just another person I knew or ran into here and there. Not only was she my bestfriend she was my other half, She was my human diary, we gone through the same things growing up she was my long lost twin, I felt like we knew eachother since we were born so she became my sister! When I struggle and couldn’t afford things for my daughter she became family & she was my daughters favorite aunt (it broke my daughters heart when she found out her TiTi was not here with us anymore). That was what she called her because she couldn’t say Tita meaning aunt in Tagalog. Ayah loved her & her vice versa.

When I felt ugly, worthless, sad, sick, heartbroken, alone & wanted to shut down and give up she became my crutch!

And my heart is broken and hurting more then ever. My beautiful friend I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how beautiful of a person you are! I am going to miss you so very much!!! Rest Easy my beautiful angel you will never be forgotten you will always be in my heart. Love you always and forever my rider😢😘 Ayah Smith

I miss you everyday! I wish you were here!

January 7th,2021

Today marks 4 years. Still haven’t got over what happened & still people sit there and try and tell me to stop holding on that I should be ok that I need to let go. That shit is annoying. There isn’t a time limit for healing! The fact someone can sit there to my face and tell me to let go and stop holding on makes me want to just hurt someone. Because they don’t fucking know wtf I am feeling or even how remotely broken I am.

When there is nothing anyone can say to me, but negative shit that I don’t wanna hear, I close off & stay away from those people. Anyways today was hard enough itself to deal with. I couldn’t even keep it together out in public. Every little thing reminded me of everything we did together. Like today went thrifting just like we used to before work.

Valentine’s Day shit everywhere reminded me when we spent that day dealing with bullshit men & fake ass people that we made out own day out of it. Rewatching the video over and over. Heading to Taco Bell just for a damn taco lol because that’s what we did! And it was out thing

No one can take that shit from me if I want to feel the way I feel then fucking let me. Who the fuck is anyone to me to tell me how to feel or that I am wrong for feeling the way I do!

Some people don’t understand some move on like nothing but when someone means more than anything or anyone else healing process is blocked off until I can get a fucking peace of mind to myself then maybe I wouldn’t have to feel the way I do! I’ll forever be hurt. That’s just what it is. Nothing can change that or how my mind runs.

No olvides tu amor es que tu eres mejor amiga❤️💯

I love you Ayah! Always!


Fake Smile🎭

A drawing I did of myself…. my pain bleeds through my canvases!

To let people in has been hard for me, because that’s me letting them see my vulnerability & what scares me the most is people using it against me. I’ve dealt with this time after time it really sucks to not be able to trust people & having to be fake with pretending that I am okay! NO i am not okay i am broken, hurt, lost, in pain and sick! Just because I don’t look like I’m sick, sad ect …. that doesn’t mean I’m not.
I don’t think you know what it’s like when your forcing your tears not to stream down your face cuz you don’t want anyone to know what really happens when your alone dealing with bottled up trauma & with all this pain & your stuck in your thoughts & memories that haunt you. Pain does not need to be seen to be felt.
Telling me there is no problem won’t solve the problem, telling me I’m dramatic or crazy wont solve it & telling me I’ll be okay doesn’t help, it makes me not want to speak to anyone or even open up, it makes me want to close off from the world…. i seriously shut down and then I’m less productive , It’s wanting friends, but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzed & can’t stay focused. I am afraid of people, when I used to always be a social bird. But now I just want to protect what ever is left of me protect my heart and not get hurt or disappointed in putting trust in people who have nothing genuine In being in my life. I know my heart breaks because what I had to go through to finally have my eyes be open to my poor choices in people.. but people always sees me as this goofy weird happy okay girl. I’m not….. it’s me not wanting people in my personal shit. I have never been one to have shame in anything I do. But when it comes to my heart! That shit is protected! I don’t think my heart can handle another heart break.


Alone In This World

I’m aware of the truth.



🖤Darkest Parts Of Love🖤

~Darkest Parts Of Love~ by Me
Im filled with scars & bruises. broken pieces I’ve shattered with ugly truths….Strength & weaknesses reveal my bad decisions & those of what damaged me.Although it’s no happy ending, my heart a true believer…. after being hurt & let down by so many, the power to still give love would always be remembered as who I was as a person! #acceptingdefeat #brokenheart #badhabits #liers #fakelove #fakepeople #fakepeople #hurtful #nowheretobefound #dontmatter #nevergoodenough #deadlysinners #brokenwords #iforgivemyself #losingmyself #stillabletolove #brokemyheart #whyme #ididntdeservethis #usedtothis #lostgirl #hurtpeoplehurtpeople #leftbehind #gonegirl #noapologies #noclosure #leftmeinpieces #iamnotokay


Time To Find Myself Again

Self explanatory. My art work.

I tripped somewhere along the way I lost my footage. I had so much running through my mind, clouded me thought that it defeated me. As everyone simply dismissed me and watch me fall with no helping hand. But you see, To me I was only resting like every warrior must do. Now it’s time I push forward, I can only stay down for so long. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I was a fucking savage, it’s time to remind myself and everyone else why! Why I’m still here, why I’m still standing! No matter the hurt & pain I will find myself again.- ME…. #broken #lost #alone #betrayed #hurt #dead #findingmyself #findingpeace #hope #faith #powerfulwomen #powerfulmessage #positivity #motivation #art #primarycolors #coloredpencil #peaceofmind #savage #worrier #portal #instaart #instadaily #instagood #instapic #instapost #conquer #searchingforpeace #peaceofmind


🧩Missing 🧩

Id rather be alone. Then being around people and still feeling alone💯

05•31•2020. I am JeeMarie. Yet shes missing i wonder where shes gone? I hear myself going under without return. What i see in the mirror im not proud of! Can i disappear? Its not like anyone notices that ive been missing.
I am JeeMarie and Im still missing. Everyday i must pretend as if things are okay and im fine, its a lie, im not. I feel invisible, unseen, ignored and unloved. Im missing, i cry and no one seems to hear me…
I am JeeMarie and I cant find myself, JeeMarie is just JeeMarie no one notices im missing….
Dreams i dont dream, of the day i feel free, to be happy so i dont have to fake a life i secretly hate. I hope one day i can be myself again but i dont think ill ever find myself…..
I am JeeMarie and i am missing…. #loner #alone #poemoftheday #sunday #poembyme #writing #deepthoughts #feelgoods #darkness #searchingforpeace #brokenheart #unwanted #spiritualawakening #gotlost #invisible #unloved #originalwriting #mywords #toxicpeople #fakelove #quarantinelife #quarantine